Week 14-17

I must admit that I usually love the second trimester. The nausea almost completely stops, your energy somewhat returns to you, and you finally get your sex drive back. This time around for me, I was blind sighted by how I would feel. At the end of my 14th week, my pain became unbearable. In the first trimester this would happen occasionally, but it would only last two day’s or so. Now its lasting 5-7 days consistently. I believe the increase pain is due to my stomach stretching and the nerves simply just don’t like it. I went to the doctor after the second week, because the pain was making me vomit, and I was once again bedridden. I had to visit the hospital twice for fluids over the two week period because I wasn’t able to keep anything down from pain. When I saw my doctor, he was angry with me. Since I’m in a small town and my choices in doctors are limited, he has no knowledge of my condition. He told me this time that he doesn’t believe I actually have damage to the nerves, that the doctor who fixed me in CA was just wanting to do a surgery for money so he made it up. At this point I had enough. I had proven to this doctor that my pain wasn’t mental, and now I’m losing my life because he doesn’t want to treat me in the way he should. So I responded to his anger with the passion of how I truly felt, I explained to him that the pain triggers in a straight line over where my inside incision was. That I have symptoms of the nerves shocking me and making the muscle itself sore to the point that it becomes painful to really move, and if I do move, it makes it all worse. That lidocane to the area completely relieves the pain, and most importantly a spinal block also removes all pain. That is scientific proof that the nerves themselves are damaged. I then asked him if he ever called my doctor in California to find out what my condition is, and what its like for people that suffer with it. He said he hadn’t, that makes me feel that he doesn’t really want to make the effort to understand what is wrong with me, or help me manage it during this difficult time. So, I am going to attempt to change doctors in my area, but I have to have their permission to do so. I go on Friday to a doctor in the clinic that I have seen before when my doctor was away who seems to really care about his patients. I am going to petition him to take my case. I need someone who will help me instead of get frustrated with me every time I am hurting worse. Because of the doctor I am seeing now, and his lack of treatment, I have completely lost my life again to the pain. I have not cleaned, or made dinner in weeks. I am struggling to get my oldest to school in the morning, I struggle to take care of my youngest during the day. I am laying down most of the time because that is the only way I feel some relief. I am desperate to change the situation, and once again am having to fight to keep my head above the water. I never wanted to be in this situation again, and it breaks my heart that I am only a skip away from having the life I left behind. On a good note, the baby is doing just fine… she is healthy, moving, and I even feel a kick from time to time. She doesn’t kick as often as my second child did, but I think that’s because she is going to be more laid back like her daddy. I have the anatomy scan in four weeks, to check her for any problems. I’m worried about it. I took many medications in the first twelve weeks that were harmful to her growth, but because I didn’t know I was pregnant there was nothing I could do about it. I just have to keep having faith that she is going to be happy healthy baby with all her fingers and toes.

The beginning of my third pregnancy

To be honest, I didn’t want to have another child, especially not now, maybe not ever. We thought a million times that it was time for my husband to get a vasectomy, but the only thing that kept stopping us was my fear that one day I would change my mind. I didn’t get to raise my last little baby, the pain I experienced from my damaged nerves, kept me from physically being able to do much for her. Daddy for the most part was both of us to her.  So, of course Daddy was the one she sought out because Mama, relied upon him almost as much as she did.  In a lot of ways it broke my heart. This little girl who probably was going to be our last child, was growing out of babyhood, and I was too sick to even experience it. Because it was three more years before I received my life back, I had considered that one day I might want to have another baby to make me feel complete in my heart for the experiences I missed out on. So, I delayed making any kind of decision on any permanent forms of birth control.
At the end of August of 2013, I received an implant device that ended my suffering, got me out of bed, and got me back into most of the life I had before the nerve damage. By the end of September, my husband had gotten a new job, in the central United States. So before I was even six weeks from the implant surgery, we moved from the west coast to start our new life. It was a promising new start, getting to go back to the person my family had missed so very much.   By the beginning of Oct, life was going really well. I was keeping up with everything really well, and keeping up with my family for the first time in a long time. I took the kids to the park, enjoyed going to department stores, went out to eat, drove long distances to go to the mall in the city, and even spent a good amount of time finding activities for the kids. Best of all, I was free of any pain medication. I was no longer worried or tied down by a pill that before I had constantly needed. I still took medication for the seizure disorder, and that too helped with the nerves, but that was the only pill I was taking. I saw a doctor in my area to establish care, and had him check me out to make sure the implant incision was healed up properly. Late in October, my mother in law had come to visit, and much to my surprise right around that time as demands of me were higher, I was starting to feel like I was having trouble keeping up. Not only did I struggle to sleep at night, I had trouble with pain, and energy. Since the implant was put in, I have always had pain above and below where the leads were, but not so much pain that I felt restricted. That had slowly been changing. I began to struggle to lift things, had day’s where it was worse than others, and also was needing 800mg of motrin consistently. When I was in too much pain, and too exhausted to fully clean after my mother in law left, I knew it was time for me to visit the doctor and do something about it. I was frustrated, in my mind I had no reason to be regressing and yet, here I was. Because of how rare this type of nerve damage is, my doctor had very little idea on how to treat the disorder. He contacted my last doctor to be educated on what best to use for the nerves themselves. He prescribed cymbalta 20mg, and also some tramadol. Both helped quite a bit, and although I was growing physically more tired, it seemed to keep my pain at a manageable level. When it was around the middle of November, I was finding difficulty with the pain once more. When I went back to see him, I was in tears about my situation. I DID NOT want this to ever be my life again, and yet here I was. He too was growing frustrated, that I was once again reporting to him that I was in more pain. Since I admitted I was tired all the time, and feeling like I needed to lay down more and more from pain, he suggested that maybe I was suffering from depression. I wasn’t put off by the idea, but it just made no sense, I had nothing to be depressed about.  He wrote me a referral to a physiologist, and upped the medication for the nerves. Seeing the physiologist, he confirmed to my doctor I was in fact not depressed.  Unfortunately this time, I grew worse within the next two weeks. When I saw the doctor again, he pretty much did what I’ve had a lot of doctors do. Because of his lack of knowledge for my condition, combined with his frustration that I needed more treatment he accused my pain of being mental.  He wanted to send me back to the physiologists, but this time, I got upset. I know my pain isn’t mental, and although I didn’t know why it was growing in intensity I was just as frustrated as he was. He sent me away with some low dose vicodin, anyway, and I went home that day in tears. I threw up three times that night, I figured the emotional stress of it all had finally gotten to me. When I had approached the fifth day still nauseated I knew something was off. Thanksgiving day, I had hardly touched the food from nausea. Plus cooking the meal left me exhausted. By the day after Thanksgiving, the thought crossed my mind, “what if I’m pregnant again?” I was so panicked that I drove to wal-mart at 3am to pick up a test. When I got home and I took it, “please dont be positive”, but it was. I freaked, this was the worst thing that could of happened, how am I going to deal? I felt scared, alone, and frustrated. Since I had a period in October, the doctor and I both assumed I was only 6 weeks pregnant. So, it didn’t explain why my pain was increasing before I had even conceived. Thankfully, my husband was actually not upset about this. I was surprised, I thought for sure that he wouldn’t want it, but it turns out that he did. That gave me the encouragement I needed to just wait and see if I even carry it past the 12 week mark. Fast forward a couple weeks and I finally got to get the ultrasound to see, what date I actually was. I didn’t expect to see a heartbeat, I’ve had 6 miscarriages in my past because if I dont take hormones in the first 12 weeks the baby always dies. Yet, as they looked, a heartbeat, and a fast one! When they measured the baby, everything came into focus. I was already 12 weeks! That had meant that I conceived in September, before we had even moved. My doctor immediately apologised for his actions, and finally started to understand some of what I go through with this condition. I am currently 14 weeks with a due date of June 28th 2014. There is such little knowledge out there about what it actually is like for women who get pregnant after c-section nerve damage, that I fear the future. I’ve read some reports of women who have ended up with worse nerve damage to the point that they become unable to walk. Other stories of the nerves popping out of the incision line and correcting themselves. The surgeon I’ve seen so far for the c-section, seems quite confident that if all else fails he might be able to correct it, if he cuts me for my third c-section exactly where I was cut for my last. Only time will tell us, and in the meantime, my pain is growing every week. Its been slowly, and in spurts, thankfully not having more than a few lousy day’s at a time. I have lost most of the desire to go out too often, or even clean or cook the way I was able to in September. I’m hoping that this pregnancy will be a blessing and that it will in fact be a fix for my condition, but I also know things might get worse before they get better. I’m trying to keep an open mind, and giving up all my fear so that I’m not plagued by the future. In my next few posts, I will go into the last two months concerning my implant device, research to this third pregnancy, and my plans as to the actual birth of my third baby. If you have any questions I encourage you to write me, I will answer anything I can. If I don’t know, I have some doctors that I am keeping in contact with that might be able to give a good answer.

Pregnant again….

     In November of 2010, I got very sick. I thought I had the flu, it was that time of year after all. After a few days of yacking, I finally wised up with panic. What if I’m pregnant again? It made sense, I was tired all the time, and in pain more and more. I stopped being able to do somethings around the house, and I was just hoping I had a bad flu. So I got a pregnancy test, yep, positive. What was I going to do? When the doctor sent me for the first ultrasound, I was sure I had miscarried becuse my nausea had subsided, and my hormones seemed to be more stable. They found the baby, and it was alive! Its heart was beating at 168! With the measure they said I was 12 weeks already. Knowing my body, I probably was more than that, my babies are always small, one at 7lbs the other at 5lbs. Since it looked like I was going to stay pregnant, I went home and searched the internet for hours about people who have cesarean nerve damage, and get pregnant after. There was hardly any research, most was unclear, some said that the nerves pop out of the inscesion line after a certain point in their pregnancy, others just said the pain grew and became worse until the day of delivery. There was also talk of some becoming better after the surgeon re-did the incision. I feared the future, was I going to be in more pain, back to the life I had just been freed from? Or was I facing a future with no nerve pain at all? This blog was made to keep record of it all, in hopes that if you too are facing the same thing, my journey will help you.